Be Kind to Yourself: The Power of Self-Compassion
/We all have moments when we're hard on ourselves. We replay mistakes, feel like we're not doing enough, or compare ourselves to others. When we face difficult situations, we often resort to harsh self-talk. Criticizing ourselves or brewing in resentment, overwhelm, or stress doesn't move us toward growth. It keeps us stuck in unhelpful emotions.
This shows up constantly in the leaders I coach. High performers are often the hardest on themselves—mistaking self-criticism for accountability, and rest for weakness. But the research tells a different story: the people who recover fastest from setbacks aren't the ones who punish themselves into improvement. They're the ones who know how to be kind to themselves in the middle of the mess.
I was once moderating a discussion with a group of early career leaders. One participant was getting ready to go on vacation and felt completely overwhelmed about stepping away from work for a week. She had tasks to finish for the team before she left, but several fires had come up that made it hard to complete them. As she told the group what was going on, she got emotional. I invited her to pause and practice self-compassion.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and support, especially in times of struggle. It also recognizes that everyone struggles, and that it's okay to be imperfect.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading self-compassion researcher, says self-compassion has three key elements:
Self-Kindness – Responding to your struggles with care rather than criticism.
Common Humanity – Remembering that everyone experiences setbacks and challenges.
Mindfulness – Noticing your emotions without exaggerating or ignoring them.
When you practice self-compassion, you become more resilient, less stressed, and more motivated. You lean into difficult situations with grace and learn from them, so you can move forward with confidence. Self-compassion brings you back to your Self—the calm, centered you.
It's just as important to understand what self-compassion is not:
Self-compassion isn't about ignoring mistakes—it's about learning and growing without tearing yourself down.
Self-compassion isn't about making excuses or avoiding responsibility—it's about treating yourself with respect, even when things don't go as planned.
Self-compassion isn't a one-time fix—it's a practice that compounds. The more you catch the harsh inner voice and answer it with kindness, the more natural it becomes.
Over time, people who practice self-compassion regularly report fewer anxiety spirals and quicker recovery from setbacks. It's not because the hard moments disappear—it's because those moments stop turning into hours or days of self-punishment.
So how do you actually practice self-compassion?
Six Simple Ways to Practice Self-Compassion
Notice your inner voice and shift it. Write down your thoughts. If you uncover unhelpful ones, reframe them. Instead of "I'm so stupid," try, "I'm learning and growing day by day." The way you speak to yourself matters, so shift the conversation toward understanding and encouragement.
Be with your feelings. Acknowledge and name what you're feeling. As they say, "Name it to tame it." When you can sit with an emotion and give it a name, its energy starts to subside. Be with your experience instead of pushing it away. Notice your thoughts and body sensations without judging them as good or bad. Eventually the uncomfortable feelings will pass.
Release your emotions. As the seminal book The Body Keeps the Score explains, strong emotions stay in your body if they aren't released. Find a way to release them. If you're anxious, shake your body. If you're sad, have a good cry.
Ask yourself what a good friend would say. Pause and ask: "What would I say to a friend in this situation?" A good friend doesn't pile on criticisms—they name what's hard, remind you of your strengths, and help you see the next step. Replace your own negative thoughts with the encouragement of a good friend.
Practice self-care. Get enough rest, eat foods that fuel you, and move your body. Write down a list of things that make you happy and keep it handy for times like these. Be ready to dance to ABBA or take a bubble bath. Remember to be good to yourself.
Recite a mantra. Depending on what you're going through, pick a mantra and repeat it to yourself throughout the day. Here are a few I like:
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
I am present, I am here, I am safe.
I release self-criticism and embrace peace.
I treat myself with gentle understanding.
I am grounded and resilient.
Back in that coaching session, I invited the overwhelmed participant to pause and feel her feelings. We sat in silence and let her be with her emotions, witnessing her as she cried. I invited her to put her hands on her heart and send love and care to herself. When she was ready to share, she said she felt grateful for the space to notice and accept how she felt. It was a powerful reminder of the importance of self-compassion.
When you find yourself in a downward spiral of unhelpful emotions, practice self-compassion. You're doing the best you can, and that's enough. Start small: pick just one of these six practices and try it the next time you catch yourself in harsh self-talk. That's how the habit takes root.