We all have moments when we're hard on ourselves. We replay mistakes, feel like we're not doing enough, or compare ourselves to others. When we face difficult situations, we often resort to harsh self-talk….High performers are often the hardest on themselves—mistaking self-criticism for accountability, and rest for weakness. But the research tells a different story: the people who recover fastest from setbacks aren't the ones who punish themselves into improvement. They're the ones who know how to be kind to themselves in the middle of the mess.

It's easy to get pulled away from our center. My clients sometimes come into our coaching sessions feeling scattered, anxious, or even burnt out. Sometimes they're facing a difficult challenge or feeling overwhelmed by overpacked schedules. The first thing we do is get grounded.

When COVID hit, I was overwhelmed by emotions I didn’t quite know how to hold. I felt deep sadness as lives were lost, anger that leadership failed to protect people, and fear as I watched Asian Americans—including people who looked like me—being verbally and physically attacked. I grieved George Floyd’s murder and the systemic racism it laid bare. At home, I was navigating my young child’s schooling while worrying about work and our future. Like many of us, I coped by putting my head down and pushing through.

Even though I journaled, meditated, and practiced mindfulness, something inside me knew it wasn’t enough. My body was carrying stories my mind couldn’t fix. When I told a counselor that I wanted to explore somatic healing, he referred me to an Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist. I didn’t know what IFS was, but I was curious enough to try.