Healing with Internal Family Systems

When COVID hit, I was overwhelmed by emotions that I didn’t quite know how to hold. I felt deep sadness as lives were lost, anger that leadership failed to protect people, and fear as I watched Asian Americans—people in my community—being verbally and physically attacked. I grieved George Floyd’s murder and the systemic racism it laid bare. At home, I was navigating my young child’s schooling while worrying about work and our future. Like many of us, I coped by putting my head down and pushing through.

Even though I journaled, meditated, and practiced mindfulness, something inside me knew it wasn’t enough. My body was carrying stories that my mind couldn’t fix. When I told a counselor that I wanted to explore somatic healing, he referred me to an Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist. I didn’t know what IFS was, but I was curious enough to try.

IFS is a therapeutic approach that helps us understand and befriend our inner “parts.” We all have parts that protect us and parts that carry old wounds. Through IFS, I learned to meet my protective parts with compassion and gently heal the vulnerable parts stuck in the past. Over time, I began living less from these burdened parts—and more from my SELF, the essence of who I truly am.

An Overview of the IFS Model

IFS views our inner world as a living system made up of:

Managers
Proactive protectors who run our day-to-day lives. They’re the taskmasters, planners, organizers, perfectionists, and judgers trying to keep everything together.

Firefighters
Reactive protectors who show up when we’re triggered. Their job is to soothe or distract at all costs—through numbing, avoiding, overworking, bingeing, drinking, or shutting down.

Exiles
Younger parts of us carrying shame, fear, grief, or burdens from the past. Managers and Firefighters protect these parts, often using strategies that once kept us safe but no longer serve us.

At the center of the system is the Self—our inner source of clarity and calm. Dick Schwartz, the founder of IFS, describes Self through the 8 Cs: Creativity, Compassion, Caring, Curiosity, Courage, Connectedness, Clarity, and Confidence. You might call it Buddha Nature, Source, or Inner Wisdom. Whatever the name, it’s the steady, loving presence within all of us. When we lead from Self, our system knows how to heal.

IFS helps us build trusting relationships with our protectors so they can soften and step back. Many protectors still operate from strategies formed in childhood—hypervigilance, people-pleasing, perfectionism—long after they’re needed. When our protectors feel seen and appreciated, they can release their sometimes extreme roles (in a process called unburdening) and make space to heal the exiles they’ve guarded for so long.

Healing from a Childhood Accident

When I was ten, something deeply troubling happened. I caused an accident—one that left my sister seriously injured.

One afternoon, my sister and I were biking in a cul-de-sac near our home . With coaxing from friends, we decided to play Chicken. The rules: start on opposite ends of the road and race toward each other until someone turns away. At the last second, I turned right. My sister turned left. I was right-handed and she was left-handed. We crashed.

We untangled our bikes and stood up slowly. I saw immediately that she wasn’t okay—she clutched her stomach, hunched over in pain. By the next morning, my sister’s stomach was swollen. At the hospital, doctors discovered internal bleeding and admitted her to the ICU.

A few days later, I visited her. Seeing her small, pale, hooked up to IVs, I felt a level of shame and terror I couldn’t put into words. My parents spent their days at her bedside in the hospital. At night, I heard my mother cry behind closed doors. I even saw my father cry for the first time. I felt utterly alone with my guilt and prayed silently for her to get better.

My sister eventually recovered, though she missed months of school and attended her sixth-grade graduation in a wheelchair. The memory faded into the background of my life, but the pain didn’t. My body buried it, and a strong protector emerged—a part I call The Defender. Its job was to shield me from anything that felt like blame or criticism. It was harsh, but its mission was noble: protect the wounded ten-year-old inside me who still felt ashamed and unworthy.

In IFS therapy, I got to know this Defender. My therapist helped me understand how this part lashed out to protect the Exile it guarded—a younger me who didn’t believe she deserved love or attention. With my therapist’s guidance, I asked the Defender to step back so I could be with that younger part. I witnessed her pain with love, presence, and compassion. As she released her burdens, something in me softened.

The Defender no longer needed to be so reactive. She chose a new role—to be my advocate. Instead of defending through fear, she now helps me stand up for myself with clarity, wisdom, and grounded Self energy.

My Commitment to IFS

Doing IFS “parts work” has been truly transformative. Befriending my parts has helped me release limiting beliefs, find more inner peace, and move toward my goals with greater ease and authenticity. It’s helped me recognize when a part was leading—and step back into Self.

IFS has changed me from the inside out. I’m deeply grateful for this practice and honored to bring it into my work with clients, helping them reconnect with their own inner wisdom. If you’re curious about IFS or want support in accessing more of your Self energy, I’d love to connect. You can book a discovery call to explore what this work might make possible for you.